To Dearest You, Sincerely Me.

If

There was a god and he was a merciful person he would have struck me down with lightning by now.

And yet here I stand.

It’s my fault. It’s all my fault. I just turned away when I should have faced it. But I’m so tired of having to face things. I’m so tired. I just want everything gone. Everyone silent. Absolute peace.

I’m beginning

To think sad is a part of my personality. I know I sound pathetic writing about this. I sound pathetic to myself. But it seems like this is a time where I should be constantly happy. I should be stoked on who I am and all the people surrounding me. For the most part I am. But even now, everyday there’s a snap. A shift. All of a sudden all those good things and all those people I love can’t reach me where I am. Even if they’re right there. All of those dark, bad, awful thoughts spread through my body and leave me feeling like I’m going to drown. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m trying to combat something inside of me. Something that doesn’t listen to rhyme or reason. Something that is sadistic and cruel. Something that takes any fighting spirit out of me.

And I just can’t stop it.

Seems like

If two people both love something more than anything else. They should be able to work together for that thing and not for eachother’s sake.

Guess not.

Well

Whenever I start to become really happy I have no need to post on tumblr for some reason

2 super wishes today

Better make it count.

Anonymous asked: Dearest Caroline, Forgiveness is good. Holding a grudge for something forever is never good. If you stay angry, it only hurts you. At the same time, however, you can't go on letting yourself be dragged down. Look at it this way: People come into your life and change you forever. The same person can change you immeasurably for the better and for the worst. Even though you might not think so, you have the power to choose which of the two you keep with you. Try to hold yourself up. Sincerely, Me.

Dear you,

I like you, I hope were friends. And I like your outlook. Theres a lot I need to let go of and move on from. l’ll be working on it. Thanks for the advice. Really.

Sincerely,

Me.

Since you left,

I havent been able to support myself. I can’t maintain anything anymore. I just feel like further and further Im sinking. So. Far. Down. I miss you so much. When you were around, I felt confident, like I could do all the things I set out to. You were always there for me, every single day. I thought I could be dependently happy when you were here. It didn’t matter what other people said to me, because I just didn’t care. I could rely upon myself to be happy. Now, everything people do or say to me cuts so deep. I try and go to lean upon what I thought was self sustaining happiness, and I fall flat on my face. I needed you there.

And where are you?

Why did you suddenly disappear? Why am I writing this right now? Why did I spend my entire summer trying to bail water just so I could stay at the surface? Just manage to get by. And even then I wasn’t normal. I should be so angry at you. I should want to never speak to you again after what you did. But I just cant be that anymore. I could at first. But not now. I need you more than ever.

The farther I’m getting caught up in this year, the farther I’m getting dragged down. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t even think of reasons to take it anymore. Im going crazy and I know it. Thoughts keep talking to me. Not good ones. And you aren’t there to scare them away anymore.

To Dearest You, Sincerely Me.